Cupidity
by keem
Summary: FINAL CHAPTER 01-05-09. Near could imagine the sound of Mello's discordant, ghostly laughter, "I had her first." Still competing with Near, even in death. SayuxNear, some MelloxSayu. Ongoing, R&R.
1. take everything from me

**Disclaimer: **As you're probably already aware, I do not own Death Note.

**A/N: **you could also call _this_ a sequel to my other stories, _Heat_ and _Bleed_; an AU timeline as if _Duality _never took place. But saying so would be something of a stretch, because this isn't, at least not really. I did this mostly as an experiment – and because I've never really properly written Near before. Rated for flashbacks, mild sexual content, and Mello's potty mouth in later chapters. Takes place during Chapter 109, the Death Note one-shot. With lyrics provided by Oingo Boingo. Please R&R.

--

**Cupidity **

--

_here in my humble room at night_

_i often wonder what goes on out there_

_what makes them runs so scared_

_i often stare at the people passing by_

_but they can't see me through my window shades_

_(it's like i'm not even here)_

--

The first time Near meets Sayu is at the graveyard, on the anniversary of Light's death, when the grass is damp with dew and the rolling hillsides are still shrouded in the early-morning mist. He is here chasing shadows (L, elusive even in death, with his elaborate but unmarked gravestone, and Mello, with the simple yet elegant plot), and Sayu is mourning the loss of her only brother. The fact that their visitation falls on the same day could be called coincidence, but really it isn't. They are both grieving here, but for different reasons. Near has picked this day because Light's death is something of a complicated relief - and he honors L's sacrifice, Mello's sacrifice; those who had fallen first in the line of duty, the ones who paved the way in order for Near to defeat Light in the end.

(And perhaps a part of him wants to check up on Light's own grave - extravagant, expensive, and entirely too gaudy for Near's taste - to make sure that the body is still in the Earth, that Kira hasn't risen again. Although Near does not consider himself a superstitious person by any means, he has seen things out of this world, and is weary and a little mistrustful as a result.)

Fortunately, when Near reaches Light's plot (on his way out, after properly paying his respects to those worthy of them), he is relieved to find that Kira's tomb is undisturbed, except for the lone figure kneeling beside it, almost as if in reverence. Near can't help but pause, hesitant and a little curious, peering through the swirling fog to get a better look.

Eventually the woman slowly gets to her feet and glances back at him. Their eyes meet, endless black and soulful browns, and Near belatedly realizes that he has seen her before, at least from afar. Sayu Yagami stares back unabashedly, and Near is struck by how unselfconscious she is, even with muddy jeans and a tear-streaked face.

"Did you know him?" she finally asks, and her voice is slightly hoarse from lack of use.

Near doesn't know how to respond at first. "We've... met," he says finally, twirling an ivory strand of his hair absently around his forefinger. Sayu is watching him with an expectant expression, as though she is waiting for him to indulge her further. Near doesn't like this at all, and although his face remains as impassive and unreadable as ever, his insides are beginning to churn.

_What do you want from me?_ he thinks, as Sayu continues to watch him intently, waiting. _You won't like anything I have to say. I promise._

"Light was a good man," Sayu tells him in a strange voice, as if she can sense his disapproval. As if his dislike for Light is written across his face (and maybe it is, evident in the slight crease of his eyebrows, the faint down-turned shape of his mouth.) As if she's trying to somehow convince him.

_You don't know how wrong you are, _Near thinks cynically. She's hopeless in devotion, blind and oblivious. But Near can't find it in himself to blame her in her foolishness, because it isn't her fault, no, not really. Although the fair-haired prodigy is vague on the details, he knows that the Japanese Task Force had never revealed Light's true identity to his remaining family, Sayu included; Mr. Aizawa and the others had instead fed them some cock-and-bull story about Light dying valiantly by Kira's hands, his last victim before succumbing to the darkness himself. He thinks that they did Sayu and her mother a disservice in withholding the truth from them, but ultimately the decision was not his to make, and so Near says nothing.

Sayu's gaze hardens, as though daring him to contradict her. Eventually, Near shrugs.

"I didn't know him very well," Near says slowly, deliberately choosing his words with care. "But from what I did see he certainly was..." a vast multitude of words go whirling through his head (manipulative, calculating, _insane_) but the one he settles on is: "...Brilliant."

And it's the truth, because Light _was_ brilliant. Near gives credit where it was due, and Light _almost_ beat him. How alarmingly close he got to achieving his goals is enough to give other men shivers, but Near remains blank, almost numb. Sayu's expression immediately softens.

"Y-yeah, he was, wasn't he?" she whispers. "We all miss him so very much." She blinks, as if suddenly remembering something. "I'm sorry. We haven't met before. My name is Sayu. I'm Light's sister."

Near regards her apprehensively, unsure of how to proceed. He wasn't under the impression that this was an encounter where introductions were deemed necessary. He doesn't like how talkative she is, how determined she seems to be to draw this out. "My name is Near."

"How did you know my brother?" she inquires, and Near frowns at her. This was exactly what he had been afraid of: more questions. "Through school?"

It would have been easy enough to agree with her, to lie. She's probably used to it - being lied to, that is. The whole foundation is which Sayu and her brother's relationship was based upon was composed entirely of falsities, after all. Light lived a double-life in his later years, and must have been very good at it, because it's clear that Sayu still very much adores him. Perhaps it is this that causes Near to respond the way that he does, to opt for the truth instead.

"No," he says quietly. "Through work."

"So you were involved the Kira investigation too?" Sayu asks interestedly. "Did you work with Light and my dad, then?"

"Yes, but I worked for a different organization, the SPK." He sees no harm in disclosing this little piece of information. "At the time, it was a rogue group, acting independently of L."

"My brother worked for L, you know," Sayu says proudly.

_Your brother _killed _L, _Near doesn't say. Sayu looks as though she would like to talk some more, but suddenly the front of her jacket lights up and Sayu makes an apologetic face, reaches in and produces a phone. She takes one glance at caller ID and then frowns. "It's my mom," she explains distractedly, before glancing back up at Near. "I probably should get going. It was nice meeting you, Near." She doesn't wait for him to return the sentiments; instead, she wags her fingers at him in a parody of a wave and just like that, she's gone, fey-like, disappearing into the mist that surrounds them.

--

The next Near sees Sayu is shortly after the murders begin anew, the handiwork of a second supernatural killer, a cowardly criminal that doesn't _deserve_ to be called Kira. But the heart-attacks have gotten the rumor mill going again, and Japan is abuzz with the talk of a second coming, a second judgment. Near is not impressed in the slightest.

_Idiots_, he thinks, disgusted by their hopeful faces as they crowd around the TV sets in a store window, whispering conspiratorially amongst one another. Near spots Sayu in their midst, a little off to the left of the main crowd. She does not look eager like the others; her eyes are wide, watching the newscasters emblazoned on the screen before in distress, not pleasure.

It would be easy enough to move past her, to make his way toward the front of the doors of the mall and leave it all behind. She is lost in her own world, and does not notice Near's familiar floating face in the sea of people behind her. Something about her anguish moves him, however, inspires him to lean in and address her.

"Sayu."

She jumps in surprise at the sound of her name, and suddenly whirls around to face him. She looks mildly confused at first, before she remembers who he is. "Oh! I remember you, from the graveyard!" Her eyebrows knit together as she tries to recall his name. "You're..."

"...Near," the albino offers, and she frowns unhappily at him.

"I would have remembered," she tells him, although Near still doesn't quite believe her.

--

Somehow this will eventually lead to them going out to dinner, at Sayu's insistence.

"I'm sorry," she tells him, over and over. "I just don't want to be alone. Not… today."

She's chewing on her lower lip, and Near knows that she's wondering if Kira has somehow come back. Near does not. "It's not Kira," he tells her, and she looks up at him in surprise, just as one of the bus boys comes buy and pours them each a glass of water. Near waits until he ambles off before continuing. "The method is the same, but the motive is not. Kira killed criminals, right?"

"Yeah, but…" Sayu begins uncertainly.

"Sayu," Near says stoically, reasonably. "I worked for the SPK, remember?"

"That's right," Sayu says vaguely, in recollection. She seems to realize his area of expertise on the matter, and it visibly relaxes her. "The SPK has probably been disbanded since the case was closed, right?" Near nods. "Do you think they'll start it back up again now that there's another Kira on the loose?"

"Sayu," Near says, a little disgustedly, "don't call him that."

The brunette looks confused.

"He isn't fit to hold the title of Kira. This person… he's nothing but an imposter. And a poor one, at that."

Sayu is regarding him disapprovingly, as though Near is putting Kira on some kind of pedestal, glorifying him. The severe look in her eyes is almost enough to make him smile. _Your brother, Sayu,_ he thinks wryly. _The gravestone that you were worshipping. _Kira.

"You didn't answer my question," Sayu says, and her tone is vaguely accusing.

"Oh." He folds and refolds his hands awkwardly in his lap, itching for one of his toys. This has been the longest time in years that he's been without some kind of trinket rolling between his fingers, and it's an awkward feeling. He considers reaching into the plastic bag at his feet, filled with several decks of cards he had bought earlier today in the mall, but he's afraid that Sayu might think he's weird if he does so. Then he shakes his head. Why should he care what she thinks?

"Excuse me for a moment," he says, disappearing beneath the table as Sayu stares on in befuddlement. A few seconds later and he re-merges, tearing the plastic sealing of a deck as he does so. He pulls the cards free from their sleek little box, shuffling them absently as he settles back into his chair. "Yes, I suppose the SPK might be… called to arms, so to speak," he admits, and he takes three cards and puts the rest aside, making the beginning foundation for what it is going to be a tower. "Whether our members will be willing to take action, however, is a different story entirely."

He is referring to himself, in particular. All day his phone has been vibrating in the pants of his pajama bottoms, the numbers of Rester, Lidner, and Gevanni showing up on his caller ID. Near is the only one reluctant of the SPK to take action – the only one who isn't quite sure how to respond to the threat. All day he has been mulling over what L would have done, if he were still well and very much alive. L always decided on pursuing criminals on a case-by-case basis; Near wasn't even sure if his predecessor would deem this entire thing worthy of his attention. He wished he could ask him, but he knew he could not, because L was dead.

And the reason he was dead was this girl's brother, her nearest kin. How strange to think that this girl and Light were related, that they were one of the same. He could see the resemblance, the similarity in the slope of their nose, the color of their skin. But Sayu was dark where Light was light (or was it the other way around?), with rich, coffee-colored hair and eyes the color of earth. She had a rounder face, and was what Near might have considered attractive, although perhaps just slightly less so than her elder brother.

But even still, the similarities (and how small they were!) ended there, being only skin-deep. Sayu was… less intelligent, yes, but more honest, most certainly; she naive and reproving and easy to read. A more colorful term Near might have used would be "stupid", except that she _wasn't_, she was just easily overshadowed by her elder, more gifted brother.

_She's not really unlike Mello_, Near realizes, surprising even himself with the revelation. Mello was always runner-up, always second, good-but-not-the-best. Sayu was, too, but Near could imagine that she was probably happy at one point, at least before this whole mess began; content with her place in the world. He could see other traces of Mello in her, too: there is something calculating about this woman, something shrewd. It connects him to another world, a place dominated by a volatile, angry blond.

"You know, you remind me of someone," Sayu says, startling Near out of his reverie. He looks up from his house of cards, which is now slowly expanding outwards to become a city. "Back when my dad was the Director of the NPA, I was abducted and held hostage by a mafia group." Near's heart begins to beat a little faster and he stiffens. "The leader of that group was named Mello. You remind me of him."

Near's hand wavers, and suddenly, just like that, the tower falls, taking out the surrounding areas with it. "I doubt I'm hardly comparable," he says slowly, trying desperately to keep his voice even, "to a kidnapper."

"You even look a little alike," Sayu says, and Near looks up to regard her stonily. "Somewhere around the eyes." Almost immediately he looks away again, gathering up the fluttering remnants of his structure, setting them aside in a neat little pile off near his right elbow.

Her timing is coincidental, or maybe not. Near gets the uncomfortable feeling that perhaps Sayu knows more than she has let on; that she's more well-informed than she originally led him to believe. Perhaps she picked up a few tricks from Light when she knew him, the Great Deceiver, the world's most notorious liar.

"Funny," Near mumbles, although he doesn't think so in the slightest: "I was just thinking the same thing about you."


	2. you see all the beauty, repent your sin

**A/N:** Microsoft Word really sucks. It keeps trying to tell me that 'steepled' isn't a word, or 'appetizing'. But it is, damnit, I _checked_. If Bill Gates was here right now, I'd punch him in the face. But I digress. Yes, this is still a SayuxNear, and we're getting there, I swear. First, a smattering of MelloxSayu and some kindred spirit…ness. Yeah. Hope you all enjoy!

R&R

--

_i would like to be a martyr_

_over time it's getting harder_

_who do i have to go and kill_

_to get my face on a dollar bill_

--

Sayu lifts an eyebrow inquisitively at that, and if it weren't for the waitress choosing that particular moment to come up and take their orders, Near might have been the focus of some incredibly uncomfortable questioning. Afterwards, the moment has passed, or Sayu has forgotten, or she's deliberately chosen to disregard it for the time being - whatever the reason, she lets it go. Near is glad.

"Thank you for coming here with me," she tells him, as the waitress brings back their drinks. Sayu's is Pepsi, and Near's is water. She sucks hers out nosily through a straw, while Near ignores his entirely, shuffling his deck of cards mechanically in his lap.

"Tell me about the SPK."

Near blinks and slowly lifts his head. "We were drafted by the United States," he begins, feeling a little uncomfortable with Sayu regarding him so intently, her fingers steepled elegantly under her chin as she listens. "The 'SPK' stands for 'Special Provisions for Kira.' We were America's equivalent of your Task Force, a hand-chosen group devised to work independently of L."

"But why independently?"

Her tone is innocent enough, but something about the whole thing feels like an interrogation. _She's testing me_, Near thinks belatedly. _But why..?_

"Kira was a terrorist," Near says simply, and the explanation he follows up with is not exactly a lie, although it is not the full truth either. "We had reason to believe that he was not working alone. Such an elaborate act of murder is best pursued at multiple angles."

Sayu sighs and shakes her head, clearly dissatisfied with the answer. She twirls a piece of ice with the stem of her straw, causing a chaotic current to swirl about within the confines of the glass. Some of her Pepsi spills.

"…We also had reason to believe that the integrity of the Taskforce had been compromised."

"Warmer," Sayu says, taking a sip.

_I'm being played_, Near thinks, and the revelation inspires the first vestige of irritation, making him feel slightly hot in the face. Still, his tone is placid when he asks, "where are you getting your information from, Sayu?"

"Mello," she says, and at the mention of his rival's name this time Near feels an irrational surge of elation. _Mello, alive_--? A beat later, and it's gone, as Near suppresses such hopeful, childish longing. Mello is dead, Mello has _been _dead, and even the Death Note says that once a person has died, they will never return to life.

Something about his expression must have betrayed him, because Sayu's eyes go wide. "You know him." It was not a question and Sayu actually rises out of her seat, half-standing over his bent and awkward form. "You're—you're him! You're the other boy from the orphanage!"

People are staring. Sayu glances around, a little embarrassedly, and sinks back into her chair. Her eyes flash with barely-contained excitement. "Mello talked about you, back when I was kidnapped! He said that there was this… this white-haired boy who worked at the SPK, who was working against him to apprehend Kira. When I met you back at the graveyard, I didn't make the connection at first… but later…"

"I wasn't aware that you and Mello had become so well-acquainted," Near murmurs.

"He talked about you a lot. You and Kira." She bites her lip at this. "He thought Light was Kira. No… he was convinced of it. But you were there, weren't you? If you really are who you say you are, if you really are Near from the SPK, then you were there. You were there when he died."

"When who died?" Near asks innocently. The question, of course, can be taken in a vast multitude of different ways. Near could mean Light or Mikami, Light or Kira. Sayu can infer whatever she likes from his inquiry, which exactly what Near is planning on.

Sayu, however, is repeatedly proving herself to be far cleverer than she had initially led Near to believe. Her earnest expression clouds over almost immediately as she gives Near a pointed look.

"You want me to tell you if your brother is Kira or not."

Sayu deflates at the slightly incredulous sound of his voice. "I suppose it doesn't really matter now, does it?" She asks quietly as Near occupies himself by fiddling with a loose strand of snowy-white hair. "Light's dead either way, and is going to remain that way, forever. The only thing that can possibly change now is my opinion of him. Do I really want to risk tarnishing his image…?"

Even as she ponders this she's still watching him critically, clearly trying to gauge any kind of reaction he might give. Near knows this, but her efforts are in vain anyway: the albino's features may as well have been carved out of marble; the impassive façade he wears is unwilling to reveal any of his secrets. "Whether you want it to remain a mystery or not," Near says indifferently, "is entirely up to you."

Sayu seems to mull this over for a minute. Then, unexpectedly: "I want to know about Mello."

It is in this moment that their personal pizzas arrive, and Sayu looks mildly irritated at having been interrupted for a second time. The pizza that Near receives is plain cheese, and vaguely reminiscent of its American counterpart back in the United States. Sayu's, however, is composed of much more exotic – and decidedly less appetitizing– properties. Aptly named the 'squid ink pizza', it is an unholy concoction devised entirely of things never meant to be on a pizza, including squid ink as the primary ingredient. Near finds it to be a poor substitute for tomato sauce, and is not impressed by its appearance in the slightest.

Sayu waits until the waitress bustles off to attend to another booth before putting her elbows on the table, leaning slightly forward. Her expression is anxious. "Tell me," she insists, as Near continues to eye her steaming platter apprehensively, his expression akin to that of a person visiting the sickbed of his dying friend. "Tell me about Mello."

"What do you want to know?" Near begins haltingly.

"_Everything_."

"But where do I begin?" Near asks idly, still twirling that same strand of hair.

"Begin at the beginning," Sayu breathes, "and then go on till you come to the end: then stop."

--

"You beat him, didn't you?" Sayu interrupts some time later, and the smile she fixes him with is wistful. "He lost."

"Not… exactly…" Near says slowly, absently sticking his forefinger into the cheese of his pizza. By now the texture is soft and gooey, slick with grease and oil—warm but not hot enough to burn him. It is as edible as it's ever going to be, and yet Near still cannot find it in himself to take the first bite. Sayu, on the other hand, has been steadily working through her own, and by now is almost halfway finished. The ink topping has stained the roof of her mouth and tongue black, and every time she speaks he can see a sliver of opaque, writhing muscle between the white of her teeth. He finds it mildly disgusting, and morbidly fascinating at the same time.

"Mello had pretty much figured everything out, long before I had. There was just one minor detail that was being contested and…" he drifts off suddenly; the rest is too surprisingly painful. How unspeakably ironic – Mello had always been considered the emotional one, and yet here was Near, supposedly the stoic and unfeeling one, fighting back a wave of potent sickness and inexplicable, but acute, sadness.

The young prodigy wonders how things would be if things had played out in the reverse—if Mello had been the one sitting here across from Sayu, the victor, the _survivor_. Would he have been able to find it in himself to mourn Near's passing, the way that Near now mourned his?

_No_, the youth decides finally, and the conclusion is merely matter-of-fact, instead of callous. _No, Mello probably would not_. Mello had always been so full of animosity that Near had never been able to match, a hatred borne out of a one-sided rivalry. If Near's demise had not been celebrated, it would have at least been bitter-sweet.

"He what?" Sayu asks, and when Near doesn't respond her voice becomes gentler, kinder, and yet no less demanding. "Near?"

"I regret it," Near says hollowly. "But he brought it upon himself to solve it, at the cost of his life."

Sayu, who is busily taking a bite out of her final slice, pauses. "I see," she says in a strained sort of voice, as she sets the piece gently down again. "That's unfortunate, I…" She grimaces and reaches for her napkin, gathering it up in her hand and lifting it to her mouth. It hovers above her face, and Sayu looks indecisive, as though unsure how to proceed from here. Should she wipe her mouth, or dab at her moistening eyes? If Near was a more compassionate person, he might reach across the table and rest a hand gently on Sayu's shoulder to console her. But he isn't, and so he does nothing, except stare down into his lap.

_You love him_, Near thinks, and the idea is both staggering and somehow expected, all at the same time. Mello had always been an individual of extremes, a person who inspired feelings – feelings of hate and mirth, antagonism or love. It is not a wonder that Sayu has fallen prey to his forceful personality. In a way, Near almost pities her. Surely he is sympathetic.

"Kind of an empty victory," Sayu comments. "He got to beat you, but he had to die first."

"Maybe," Near agrees. "But better to burn out, rather than to fade away. Mello probably enjoyed the thought of him becoming a martyr to the cause; probably liked to think that I would be beholden him. Obviously it was worth something to him, otherwise he would not have done it."

"For the good of humanity?" Sayu offers, and Near actually smiles at her, a slight twitch at the mouth that tugs his lips upwards.

_No_, he thinks. _No, I don't think so._

"I don't think Mello had the interests of the world in mind when he made the decision. I think he just wanted to win."

"He did strike me as somebody with a major inferiority complex," Sayu recalls fondly. Something changes in her then, _reverts_, and suddenly she seems perfectly at ease again, picking up her abandoned slice and taking a generous bite out of it. "Eat your food, Near, before it gets cold," she instructs motherly, as Near marvels at the sight of her. Then he blinks and does as she says.

--

"_Begin at the beginning, and then go on till you come to the end: then stop." _– Line borrowed from Lewis Carroll's _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_.

"_But better to burn out, rather than to fade away." _– An homage to Neil Young, who said it first.

_Squid ink pizza_ – yes, it's a real, honest-to-God type of pizza in Japan. The tomato sauce is substituted with squid ink sauce, which I find to be positively disgusting, but some people really dig it. And Sayu is apparently one of those people.


	3. sights, sounds pull me down another year

**A/N: **I apologize, it's a little on the short side. I'm not sure if I should end it here or try to keep going. SayuxNear ended up being more difficult to write than I had originally anticipated. xD Still, this chapter came out okay. Hope you enjoy! R&R.

--

_if i could float and drift forever_

_i'd join the shattered dreams together_

_i'd spy upon the disbelievers_

_and scatter them into the seasons _

_i'd fly to hidden places in the sky_

_(tell me where my friends go)_

--

The check comes shortly after the waitress clears away their platters (Sayu's, wiped completely clean; Near's, barely touched). Near stares at where it lies between them, unsure of what is expected of him. Should he pick up the bill himself, offer to pay for it all? Is that what Sayu anticipates, _wants_? He gazes across the table at her, searching her face for some sort of indication as how to proceed from here. He doesn't get too good of a look, however, before Sayu's features are obscured by the inky black curtains of her hair as she leans sideways to grab something out of her bag. She produces a credit card and slaps it down, waving the waitress over to collect it and the bill.

Near's head is cocked to one side inquisitively as he twirls his hair.

"It's the least I can do," she says by way of explanation. "For dragging you in here."

Her card and the receipt come back a moment later. Sayu stuffs the card back into her bag, scrawls her signature on the dotted line, and swings her purse up on her shoulder. Near shuffles his way over to the door, and Sayu holds it open for him as he follows her out onto the sidewalk. Neon lights from nearby billboards illuminate their surroundings in the oncoming twilight. Vehicles rumble by, and Near smells a combination of wet tar and car exhaust. The streets are black and slick with moisture.

"It must have rained while we were inside," Sayu comments absently, turning her eyes upward toward the sky. Near follows her gaze and looks up. The clouds overhead are gunmetal grey, but dispersing rapidly, revealing the darkening heavens above them.

Sayu looks almost chimerical in the encroaching night, the garish colors of signs surrounding them making her features strange and distorted. She folds her arms across her breasts, her nose lifted almost aristocratically as she stares up into the swirling infuscation. She looks so very much like Light in that moment, a resemblance that is so unnerving that Near actually has to divert his attention elsewhere.

"It's almost hard to believe," Sayu murmurs thoughtfully after a moment, "That the very fabric of reality hasn't come apart at the seams. I mean, here we are. The world is still turning, even without him. He was so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, wasn't he?"

It was probably meant to be rhetorical, but Near feels compelled to respond anyway.

"I wouldn't say that. There's certainly a lot less... calamity, isn't there?"

"Are you talking about him specifically, or his contributions that led to the defeat to Kira?"

Near does not respond, instead allowing Sayu to come up with her own interpretation. They stand in silence, side-by-side, so close that their shoulders almost touch. Near spots his first star of the night, and points it out to her with a lazy lift of his hand.

"He certainly was a... chaotic force of nature," Near offers after a moment.

"Yeah. He definitely... kept things interesting, didn't he?" She smiles bitterly.

Something about the rueful tone of her voice sparks something in him: inspires a kind of wistfulness that Near usually tries to repress. He studies the girl beside him in a new light, takes into consideration how much pain she has endured over the past few years. She has lost her father to the hands of her lover, and then lost her lover to the hands of her brother.

_You must be the unluckiest girl in the world._

"I'm sorry," Near says, and he means it.

"Why?" She asks him earnestly, and Near blinks. "I'm not." And he knows that _she_ means it. Sayu has not allowed herself to succumb to despair over the loss of her loved ones. Despite the trials and tribulations she has endured, Sayu has somehow found the strength within herself to transcend the point of grief, rise above it. After the tragedy that has befallen her, she may not ever be considered whole again - but she certainly isn't broken either, _wasted_. Near finds her spirit admirable, even respectable. He is certainly impressed.

"I'm glad to have met Mello," she continues, nodding to herself. "And I'm glad to have met you." Before Near really gets a grasp of what's transpiring, Sayu leans into him, her warm, slightly chapped lips brushing his cheek. He reaches up to the touch the place where her mouth grazed his alabaster skin, feeling faintly dazed.

"Consider it a token of my appreciation," Sayu says, smiling impishly as the muted expressions go flickering across his face. "I think you've managed to give me the closure I've been looking for, Near. Thank you."

_I don't understand you_, Near thinks, nodding mutely.

Sayu glances down at her watch, takes in the time, and frowns. "I should probably be heading back..." she observes, looking a little anxious."Thank you again, Near. You've been a great help."

_But I haven't done anything, have I?_

"Take care." It's just like their first encounter, back at the graveyard: Sayu waves at him and turns to go without further ado. The only difference is this time, instead of disappearing into the converging fog, she merges with the crowd and is carried away. Near stares at her retreating back until he can no longer make out her form in the sea of suits surrounding her. Sayu does not glance back once.


	4. i'll set you up against the stars

**A/N:** A little break from the angst. Poor Giovanni… he's like the SPK equivalent of Matsuda in this chapter xD He means well, though. Things will start getting more interesting next chapter, as the story slowly begins to gravitate towards SayuxNear. Although you can bet this development will complicate things, given the history… :cackles in anticipation:

Enoy!

--

_my hesitation - is strong today _

_the indications - all point away _

_to something better - for everyone _

_has something gone astray_

--

"Near, you have a visitor," filters in the disembodied voice of Roger over the airways, echoing around in the high ceilings above the albino. "Stephen Giovanni from the United States. Says he worked with you on the Kira case?" The displeasure is evident in Roger's skeptical tone; it's as though the elder man does not approve in Near's association with an _American_, like it's somehow beneath him. Near pauses in arranging a pile of multi-colored figures in geometric shapes in front of him, getting up on his elbows.

"Just Giovanni?"

"Yes, just Giovanni," Roger says, sounding faintly exasperated now. "Are you expecting company, Near?"

"No, but send him up anyway." Near can imagine Roger's frown without seeing it, and the line falls silent. The young prodigy goes back to his arrangement (this one will be a _rhombus_), and a few minutes later he hears the heavy footsteps of Giovanni on the stairs. Then the door to the surveillance room swings open, and a square of light falls across Near's sprawled out form on the floor.

"Near."

"Giovanni." Near does not incline his head. "Would you shut the door behind you, please? The light is in my eyes."

The light disappears, but Giovanni remains fixed in front of the doorway, as if unwilling to cross any sort of invisible boundary separating him from Near. Near shuffles through his pile of unused objects and retrieves a bright red rectangle, adding it to the display he's working on, quite content to simply ignore the visitor awkwardly standing opposite to him.

"Lidner and Rester are coming, too," Giovanni says suddenly. "But they won't be here for another day or so. I took an earlier flight."

"I see." He selects a blue square this time, holding it up at eye-level as though to admire its hue. Then he puts it back down again, in the mismatched pile whence it came.

"They're going to try to tell you that you need to _act_," Giovanni explains. "I'm just here in case you need me."

Near finally looks up, his dark eyes watching Giovanni in a detached sort of interest. "Oh? And what do _you_ think I should do, Giovanni?"

The black-haired man shrugs. "It doesn't matter to me. I'll support your decision either way."

"You always were the most faithful," Near comments blandly. It is not a compliment, merely an observation. Giovanni shifts on the spot, clearly at a loss as how to respond.

"Thanks... I think."

"So you're here to provide me with assistance, should I need it?" Near asks offhandedly, and Giovanni nods. "I may as well utilize my resources then. Giovanni, do you remember Sayu Yagami?"

"Kira's sister?" Giovanni asks blankly, looking a little confused as to where Near is going with this. "Yeah, I remember her. We helped the Taskforce with locating her via satellite when she was kidnapped, didn't we? What about her?"

"We shared an encounter just a few days ago. Discussed some things over dinner." Near fishes through the pile again for another object. "Could you look up her file, and call her for me? Ask if perhaps she would like to meet up again somewhere?"

"You want me to ask her on a _date_ for you?"

Near's face is obscured by ivory curls as he bows his head. "No, it's not like that," he murmurs, stacking pieces on top of each other. "I just want to talk to her about some... things. She's the only connection to him that I have left."

Giovanni does not know who 'he' is, but it doesn't matter: he _understands_, at least sort of. Near looks so frail and forlorn beneath him, strewn out on the floor like someone else's discarded toys. It's enough to silence any further inquiries, except one:

"Do you want me to do that right now?"

"If you could."

--

"Sayu, phone!"

Sayu looks up from the physics notes she's been poring over for an upcoming exam. "Who is it?" she asks curiously, tapping the butt of her highlighter against the heading on the page. The brunette does not get very many phone calls, especially on the land line - most of her friends resort to texting when trying to get ahold of her. She has absolutely no idea who it can be, especially on a Wednesday night.

"Hold on, let me check." She hears the faint murmur of Sachiko on the phone, asking the caller for their name. Then, louder and sounding mildly confused: "He says his name is Stephen Giovanni."

"Stephen... _who_?" Sayu blinks, capping the marker and setting it down beside her stack of loose leaf. "I'm coming." She goes out into the hall and down the staircase, where her mother meets her with the cordless. The phone exchanges hands, and Sayu lifts the receiver up against her ear as she treks back up the way she came. "Hello?"

"Um, hi. My name is Stephen Giovanni, and I'm calling on the behalf of Near."

"Near?" She pauses at the entrance to her bedroom, glancing around her as though half-expecting the albino to appear out of thin-air. "...Okkkay. So what can I do for you and Near, Mr. Giovanni?"

"Well... uh..." Giovanni sounds as bewildered as Sayu feels. "...Near was wondering if you guys might like to... you know, get together again soon."

Sayu feels a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She's charmed. "Like for dinner or something?"

"...Or something, yeah."

Sayu laughs. "Tell Near that would be... nice. When would he like to meet up? And where would he like to go?"

It is a long time before Giovanni says anything, and when he does, it's a swear. "To be perfectly honest, I didn't really ask, and I'm not with him right now sooo... let's work around _your _schedule. You tell me where _you _want to go, and when it should be, and we'll go from there."

"Hmm." Sayu goes through a list of potential restaurants in her head. Eventually, she proceeds: "there's a little Kaiten-zushi place by my house called _Marwaru Genroku Sushi_. We'll meet there. Let's say... Friday, 6 o' clock?"

"Sounds great." Giovanni laughs embarrassedly. "God, this is ridiculous. I'm really sorry. Near, he..."

"Don't worry about it," Sayu says dismissively. "I understand." Giovanni snorts in disbelief and the younger girl smiles. "No, really. Believe me, I actually do."

--

"Okay!" Giovanni announces upon re-entering the surveillance room. "So you've got a date for six o' clock, Friday night."

"It's not supposed to be a date," Near says, as he lines up a row of dominoes before him.

"Well, Friday nights are usually reserved for dates," Giovanni says, sweeping back a fall of jet-black hair. "And she specifically set it for Friday night, at 6 o' clock, which is prime time for romantic rendezvous. So maybe you didn't mean for it to be a date, but it sure _sounds_ like it's going to be a date."

"I think that would be disgraceful to his memory," Near says, the back of his hand accidentally knocking over the intricate arrangement he's toiled over. Dominoes clatter to the floor, and the youth frowns at the mess he's made distastefully.

Giovanni kicks a stray domino away from his foot. "_Who's _memory?"

"This is not working out the way I had originally anticipated," he sighs, sweeping away the fallen pieces with his forearm and starting anew. "I don't know the first thing about going on a date, if that's what this is going to end up being."

"There's no exact _science _to it, Near," Giovanni says with a shrug. "You're just supposed to get to know each other."

"I already know who she is. I read her case file."

"You're joking, right?" Giovanni says, his eyes widening slightly. "Not her _figures_, Near. You're supposed to... I don't know, find a common ground you share, or something. You know... similar interests and things."

"Common ground?" Near echoes faintly. "The only common ground we share is _him_. Somehow, I don't think that's a very good foundation to work with." Giovanni, of course, doesn't get the reference, and the comment goes sailing over his head entirely.

"Well, maybe we're reading too much into this," he begins doubtfully. "Maybe she's like you, and she doesn't think of it as a date. The timing could be just a coincidence. But even still, let me give a few pointers just in case..."

Giovanni sure can be an idiot at times. Near knows he means well, though.


	5. well those days have all but gone

**A/N:** long chapter is loooooong.

i know this is a monster of a chapter, but i've got a crapload of HW/studying i need to do over the weekend. sooooo i may not have time to indulge you all with another update for a little while. the added length is a 'just in case' thing to hopefully tide you over.

this piece was a lot of fun to write. i loves me some _drama, _and i hope you all do too!

angst ahoy! r&r.

--

_oh __-__ if i could only make time stand still for a moment  
capture a memory __-__ and live it one more time but i believe_

--

Lidner and Rester arrive the following evening. Like Giovanni, they are polite and respectful, keeping their distance. And, as the ebony-haired American predicted, they immediately try to sway Near's indecision with dire warnings, impressing upon him the horrors of this newly introduced supernatural killer. As if Near hasn't been keeping up with the reports himself. As if he didn't already _know_.

(Perhaps what vexes him most of all is that they refer to him as 'Another Kira.' They, more than anyone else, should know better.)

They are forcing him to confront an issue he isn't prepared to deal with yet. He has been absently mulling over what L would do, given the current situation, but has yet to yield any satisfying answer. He simply doesn't _know_.

And maybe the re-introduction of Sayu in his life has complicated things, misdirected his thoughts elsewhere. The past few days have been spent rummaging through storage, sorting through Mello's old things. They are remnants of Wammy's House, and an assortment of newer, unfamiliar things the SPK unearthed back at Matt's dilapidated flat at the end of it all. Things Near had kept locked away since their arrival, out of sight and out of mind, but readily available should the need arise.

(The need has arisen.)

Lidner is speaking. Her tone is quiet and demure, but Near gets the underlying message loud and clear. She wants him to make an executive decision, give her a command Near isn't prepared to give. And if Near is allowed to be honest with himself, he's beginning to think that his reluctance to act is rooted in the muddled belief that it might simply just not be _worth _it. But he knows that Lidner won't take too kindly to that, since a new killer on the horizon with the ability to induce cardiac arrest equates a Kira, which means unfinished business. Which means Near is somehow skirting his duty. That he's making _her_ skirt her _own_.

But Near doesn't share her sentiments at all, because it _isn't _unfinished business, at least not by his definition. The Kira case is closed, booked, _finished_. It would only be unfinished business if this person was actually Kira, which he is most definitely is _not_; the motives are entirely different, as are the victims. Kira is done and Kira is six feet beneath is the earth and Kira is Light Yagami and he's dead, dead, _dead_.

Kira was also supposed to be a personification of justice, no matter how twisted his ideals regarding the matter may have truly been. Kira killed _criminals_. This murderer... he's nothing but a poor imitation, a fraud. Can't they see this? How can they expect him to rise to the challenge when he regards this person as inferior, unworthy? L took on the Kira case because he regarded the killer as clever, cunning, _interesting_; the opposition--Light Yagami (although L didn't know it at the time)--was his intellectual equal. But this person is neither clever nor interesting--he is a copycat act, unoriginal, _boring_. And since Near already knows the supernatural weapon of choice, he doesn't even have _that _mystery to pique his curiosity. Chasing after this person can only be a tedious chore, and extremely unfulfilling, in the long run. A complete waste of time.

But Near knows that Lidner and Rester can not dismiss this pseudo-Kira in the way that Near can: they are American, and their version of justice is different than his own. Near--and L before him--have always decided which criminals to pursue on a case-by-case basis. It was--is--purely a personal preference, whereas Lidner and Rester's eager compliance are an obligation; a duty entrusted to them by the United States' government. They work for the FBI, Near works for _himself_. Of course they will never see eye-to-eye.

Near knows if he's perfectly honest with them, they will resist him. Making any sort of decision is just a headache waiting to happen, and all Near wants to do right now is sit and play with his toys. So he cleverly diverts their attention with: "I'm going on a date tomorrow."

Giovanni, who is seated at a workstation just to the left of the door, chokes on his coffee. Lidner seems taken aback by the news, whereas Rester merely lifts one blonde eyebrow, uncomprehending. Then he and Lidner exchange glances, as Giovanni pointedly ignores making eye-contact with anyone in the room.

"With who?" Lidner asks bewilderedly.

"Sayu Yagami."

The attractive blonde does a double take before giving Near a highly significant look. She seems to understand that this somehow alludes to Mello, and clearly disapproves as a result. Had the snarky teenager told her of his relationship with Sayu? Near knows that Mello and Lidner had shared quarters for a short period of time, and exchanged information during the process. But never did he imagine that Mello would divulge such personal information - and to a woman he scarcely knew, no less. Or had the nature of his interaction with Sayu really been so obvious, that even someone only distantly connected to him could pick up on it? Had Near really been that preoccupied that he simply glossed over such an important detail?

(Perhaps the reason he had initially overlooked it was because it never held any sort of significance before now. Presently, however, it means _everything_.)

"Why?" Lidner demands mistrustfully, right as Rester goes: "You aren't planning on wearing pajamas, are you?"

--

When Near steps out of the black sedan and onto the curb at ten 'til on Friday night, Sayu is already there waiting for him. Her back is turned away from Near, staring at her own mirrored image in the window of the restaurant. Sayu frowns thoughtfully at herself in the glass, flattening the front of her bangs with a sweep of her hand before she catches Near watching her in the reflection. She whirls around to face him, her eyebrows furrowed in mock-anger.

"Voyeur!" she exclaims good-naturedly.

Near doesn't say anything in response, instead taking in her form with a subtle once-over. Sayu is wearing bleached jeans and a black sleeveless shirt, with a darker denim jacket thrown over it to protect her against the cold. There is nothing elaborate or overdone about her appearance - there is no distinguishable difference in her hairstyle than last time, no visible jewelry that wasn't present before - nothing out of the _ordinary_. And yet Near still somehow manages to feel curiously under-dressed by comparison, standing awkwardly on the sidewalk in his rumpled collared shirt and navy slacks Giovanni had wrestled him into.

"Hi," she breathes, taking a step closer to him. Near inhales her scent, and it's clean but not overly floral or fruity or _artificial_, and Near is inwardly grateful for small miracles. (Perfumes and the like always made his nose _itch_.) He does smell something akin to nutmeg - something about her shampoo, perhaps? Still, the smell is not overwhelming or offensive in the slightest, and Near actually kind of likes it.

Sayu's smile, paired with those russet browns that are boring so keenly into his own, make Near feel faintly nervous and he has to look down at his feet. The albino notes with dissatisfaction that the hem of his pants are already frayed and dragging on the floor.

When he finds the courage to look up again, _Sayu _is looking away, watching the other pedestrians bustle about them in interest. She's still smiling, but blushing too, clearly embarrassed. Near wonders if she feels as awkward about this whole arrangement as he does. For a moment, he actually resents Giovanni for his way of handling this engagement. If Near had brought it upon himself to phone Sayu _personally_, there would never had been any sort of false pretenses, any miscommunication. Everything would be clear and concise, and Sayu would _understand._

"Listen, Sayu," Near begins haltingly, in order to rectify the problem. "I feel it's prudent to mention that I did not intend for this to be--"

"I'm glad we decided to meet up again," Sayu murmurs unexpectedly, abruptly turning back to face him.

Near halts, emits a little 'oh!' of surprise. And then, to his immense horror, he discovers that he's blushing.

"Let's go inside," Sayu says, reaching out and taking Near gently by the arm. Near blinks at the shared contact between them before Sayu drags him toward the door, the alabaster-skinned protégé stumbling in after her.

--

The inside of the restaurant is packed with people, but Sayu still manages to snag two seats for them at the bar. It is not the traditional sushi bar setting that Near is used to seeing, with multiple chefs attending to separate groups. Instead there's one chef and what appears to be several attendants, girls wearing too much makeup and whose only purpose is to serve drinks to paying customers. Sayu pulls Near down beside at her at the granite counter, and the albino watches in a mixture of apprehension and curiosity as a large conveyer belt rotates plates of sushi around in one long, sweeping revolution.

Sayu seems to sense Near's trepidation regarding the food, and chides gently, "what, you've never eaten sushi at a sushi-go-round before?"

"I've never eaten sushi, period," Near mumbles.

"W-what?' The base of the wooden chopsticks Sayu has been trying to separate suddenly snaps in half. She seems actually alarmed by the revelation. She waves one of the attendants over to fetch her another pair. "_How_ long have you been in Japan, again?" she asks him incredulously, staring at him with wide eyes.

Near can feel himself wilting under her gaze. He curls one of his legs up against his chest instinctively, trying making himself smaller, more compact.

Sayu realizes her mistake, and immediately reaches out. Her hand pushes down on his knee, forcing him into a normal sitting position. "That was tactless, I'm sorry," she says, and she looks as though she truly means it. Near still regards her wearily, and she frowns and bites her lip, her expression immediately clouding over. "Oh geez, I didn't mean to sound like such a..." she drifts off and blinks several times, in rapid succession.

Alarmingly, it looks as though she might cry. This is enough to make Near forgive her completely and immediately. "I'm sorry," he says, and this time _he_ reaches out, resting his hand gently on her shoulder to soothe her. She seems almost baffled by his display, and it's not a wonder - Near has such a blatant aversion to physical contact that even _she _has picked up on it, in the short time that they've become acquainted. This almost makes Near feel ashamed in turn, but he tries to repress it in order to avoid further complication to an already messy situation.

_We're off to a bad start_, he thinks, dismayed.

"It's not a big deal," he tries to reassure. Sayu does not seem entirely convinced, but she nods anyway.

"Sorry, I guess I can be kind of insensitive at times. I don't mean to but I..." she shakes her head, smiling ruefully at herself. "Would you believe me if I told you I actually used to be a lot worse? You should have seen me back when I was like, fourteen. I was such a _brat_."

"I'll take your word on that."

She manages to muster a smile at that, but it's still a little wobbly around the edges. Fortunately for the both of them the attendant decides to inquire about their drinks, passing Sayu a new pair of chopsticks as she does to. The woman is looking expectantly at Sayu, waiting for her to relay what she desires, but the brunette turns to Near instead.

"Well, Near? What do you want?"

He's pretty sure social etiquette dictates that a lady should order first, but if Sayu is determined to disregard the rules then Near will simply run with it. "A strawberry milk," he says, and as an afterthought, he adds, "please."

He knows the attendant is probably mentally taking a stab at his age right now. Sayu either didn't hear the request or doesn't make anything of it, and speaks up enthusiastically: "And I want a sake bomb."

The attendant is giving them a quizzical, appraising look. Then she bustles off to get their respective drinks.

"A sake bomb?" Near can't help but ask, interested.

"Well, after making myself look like a complete idiot two seconds into dinner--"

_I wish you'd drop that._

"--I think I could probably use some liquid courage."

A beat later, and the attendant returns with a two mismatched glasses. She sets the pint glass down first on the counter before Sayu first, filled about half-way with frothy amber liquid. She then produces a pair of chopsticks and aligns them parallel to the glass of alcohol, and then very careful balances the shot glass, filled presumably with sake, on top. She takes a few steps away, beaming at Sayu expectantly. Several other occupants at the bar have turned to watch as well, as Near looks on in fascinated silence.

Sayu grins at all the attention she's receiving. She clenches her fists on the bar and says, in a voice that steadily begins to rise with each syllable: "ichi...ni...san...SAKE BOMB!" By the time she reaches 'sake', she raises her closed fists high into the air, and with the 'bomb' she brings them down against the counter with such vehemence that Near actually startles like a spooked horse, leaning away from her as the shot teeters precariously before splashing into the glass of beer below.

Sayu drinks her Sake Bomb in several long gulps. When she's finished she slams her glass back down on the counter triumphantly, as a dozen or so people around them break out in appreciative whoops and applause. Near merely shakes his head, astonished and a little awed by the show of apparent bravado.

Sayu wipes a trickle of beer on the sleeve of her jacket and then pivots in her seat to address Near. There is also a decidedly wicked glint in her eye when she announces: "Your turn."

--

Afterwards Sayu does not smell of nutmeg, but rather alcohol and something a lot like freezer burn. She is very plainly intoxicated, and admittedly Near is a little tipsy too, after finally folding under the peer pressure courtesy of a pretty girl. Even still, he is not anywhere near as drunk as she is.

This evening has been a disaster, although perhaps not outwardly so. Sayu was talkative and social and pleasant to be around during dinner, and the awkwardness between them dwindled substantially as she got more and more drinks in them. But all the while Near couldn't help but have the nagging feeling that something was wrong. In hindsight, he knows this whole outing is supposed to be about Mello, and yet not once has the blonde come up in conversation. Sayu clearly has the wrong idea about Near's reason for inviting her to dinner.

He might be annoyed, but Sayu is pretty and lively and completely unlike anyone he's ever met. He _likes _her, admires her for her strength and her conviction and her sheer will. Near is impressed by her ability to move past the pain, to be able to function despite the repeated tragedies that have befallen her. She is a _survivor_, and Near can toast to that.

But this isn't just about _Sayu_, it's about Mello; it's about something bigger than the two of them, a door between worlds. And perhaps Sayu has found closure in all this, but _Near_ hasn't. He wants to live vicariously through her, to trade experiences and exchange anecdotes, to remember a fallen comrade, a quasi-rival whose resentment Near could never match. He liked Mello, despite the blatant hostility on the blonde's part; he _missed _him.

But this was like a complete 180 in terms of Near's original, virtuous intention. Something had become skewed along the way, tainted. This was a perversion of Mello's memory; this was disgraceful, unwholesome.

Because Near didn't feel the shift in just Sayu, he felt one in _himself. _And this conversion becomes most apparent when Sayu leans in right before they're supposed to part ways, and kisses him.

Their lips eventually separate but their foreheads remain pressed against one another. Near is simply standing there blankly, like a lame duck. He licks his lips out of reflex, and tastes the bitter taint of Sayu's last Sake Bomb, right before they stumbled out onto the street.

"I like you, Near," she whispers, grinning at him impishly through dark, flirtatious lashes.

"I... I like you too, Sayu," he admits slowly, acutely aware that he's trembling. _Mello's probably turning over in his grave right now._

She lifts one hand up and Near can't help but wince as she brushes it along the smooth skin of his cheek. The involuntary reaction is not lost on her, however, and she asks very gently, "is this okay?"

_I don't know. Probably not. _

He has to take several deep breaths, and even then, he can't actually articulate himself with real words: he can only nod. Sayu's smile softens, looks a little less predatorial.

"I don't know what you're looking for, but it certainly isn't me."

"You don't know that," she challenges, their noses brushing up against each other before she finally pulls away. Near exhales heavily.

"Sayu, I'm not him." She stiffens, and Near wonders if she doesn't like being startled back into reality. "I can never _be_ him."

"Of course you can't," Sayu snaps, suddenly bitter. "He's _dead_. You think I don't know that?"

And when she turns her back on him, Near questions belatedly if maybe he's been getting it wrong this whole time.

"What do you _want_ from me?" They both wonder aloud, at the same time. Sayu frowns at him over her shoulder.

"Is that why you think I consented to this? Because I wanted to lose myself in a memory of him?" She shakes her head in disgust. "Near, it's been almost three _years_. I may not have known Mello was dead this whole time, but I knew he was _gone_. And don't think I didn't have my own theories regarding the matter, either. I had a pretty good inclination, considering."

"But I thought you loved him?" Near butts in, feeling hopelessly confused.

"Yeah, your point being? He's dead, Near, _dead_!" Her voice rings throughout the street, and several pedestrians stop in their tracks and turn to look at the spectacle unraveling before them. "Yes, I loved him and yes I'm sad that he's gone but that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on_ ever having a relationship_. I can't lay down like a dog and just give in! I've got to keep going... I've got to _live_." She's breathing very heavily now, but her expression clears as the chaotic emotions drain completely out of her. She looks dejected now, instead of morose.

"I-I'm sorry..." she stutters as she becomes aware of the curious stares from onlookers in the street. "I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that, I just..." her lower lip trembles but she shakes her head firmly, biting back the onslaught of tears. "The reason I agreed to meet up with you is because I genuinely _like _you Near." She looks away, unable to meet his surprised gaze. "Not because you're a... a missing link, or some kind of connection to his past. It... you... I would be lying if I said it didn't have to do with Mello because we'll always be irrevocably bound by that, by circumstance." She runs her hands through the dark waterfall of black that serves as her hair. "But this isn't about pretending, o-or mind games or _whatever_. I'm not after a memory, a vapor of a ghost. I... I just want some company, that's all. But I can understand if you're not okay with that. Clearly I've misread your intent here; I thought you wanted to meet up again because you felt similarly."

Near fidgets on the spot a little uncomfortably. Despite the impassioned speech, he cannot ignore his internal conflict. Still, there's something about this woman... she's just so hard to simply say _no_ to.

"I'm not sure what I'm okay with," he admits after a moment, wrapping a lock of eggshell colored hair around his knuckles and tugging. "But I guess I won't ever know unless I give it a chance."

He expects her to relax, to _advance_, to give in so that he doesn't have to. But Sayu makes no such move, instead standing there with her arms folded across her chest as she shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but that's not good enough," she says, and even though there is no malice behind her words there's a kind of wistfulness in her eyes that actually makes Near experience a pang of regret. "You tell me when you're ready."


	6. don't be so scared, it's harder for me

--

_so give me all your troubled thoughts_

_and baggage you can't handle, no_

_we'll gladly take it off your back _

_(we soak up lots of pain), yeah_

--

There is a tentative knock at Near's door, followed by the muffled sound of Lidner's voice:

"Near? You wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes," the albino's voice emanates from the darkness. "Please come in."

The knob twists, and suddenly the blonde is framed in the doorway, bringing in the light with her. Near is in the furthest reaches of the bedroom, his back facing her as he rummages in a chest beside his bed. Lidner has never been in this room before and it smaller than she had imagined, and so clean and orderly that Lidner finds it hard to believe that someone actually _sleeps_ here. It certainly does not look very 'lived in'.

She watches him pull out a rubix cube, examining the mismatched colored squares from multiple angles. "Close the door behind you," he instructs, sitting down on the bed with the puzzle still cradled in his milky hands.

Lidner obliges, and they are suddenly swathed in shadows. The room has no windows to speak of, and the only light source comes from the LED light of the digital alarm clock on his bedside table. Lidner can barely make out Near's form in the darkness, and the rubix cube's colors have been muted considerably, until it's all a singular shade of gray. Near begins to twist it.

"Do you want me to turn a light on?" Lidner asks uncertainly, as Near continues to work the puzzle with an indistinguishable expression.

"Hold on." His eyebrows knit into a little curious frown, and then a beat later, he's finished. "Now you can. Flip the switch on your left."

She does so, and a light comes on overhead. Near has the rubix cube balanced on the flat of his palms, and Lidner can see that he managed to match the line up the colors perfectly, even though he was working the puzzle practically blind. It is a small feat for a super genius, but Lidner can't help but be impressed anyway.

Near begins twirling the corners again, putting it back into a state of random disarray. Lidner gets the feeling that he's simply doing this to occupy his hands, to waste time while he avoids meeting her gaze. Near has always been... not _shy_, exactly, but certainly lacking any kind of social grace.

"Near?" Lidner asks quietly, expectantly.

Near swallows. "...Dialogue with me a bit. I want to hear your perspective on this."

Of course, Near could never come out and simply _ask_ for advice. Lidner is immediately reminded of another Wammy genius she knew, someone whose own arrogance made him incapable of admitting he _ever_ needed help. Pride, Lidner knows, it universal.

And so, Near divulges her with the story of tonight's disastrous account. Details are sparse, but Lidner can infer quite a bit by reading in-between the lines, by nitpicking at the things left unsaid.

"So what do you make of all this?" Near asks at last, his shoulders sagging slightly, as though defeated.

"It sounds like she would like to... get to know you better."

"You do not approve."

Lidner frowns. "I never said that."

"Then you _do_ approve?" He sounds skeptical.

"Near. This obviously distresses you, and I'm not sure why. Do you like the girl or not?" Referring to her as 'the girl' seems callous, and leaves heavy implications in its wake, but Lidner can't help herself. "If you do, I see no reason in _not _pursuing the matter. If you don't, let her go."

"That isn't the problem," Near mumbles, so quiet Lidner barely hears it. It irritates her.

"Maybe not, but you should really have that part worked out in your head before you bother sorting out the rest. Because what's the point, otherwise?" She folds her arms across her chest. "I understand where you're coming from, Near. This was not your intention. This was purely... platonic, or scientific, or whatever it is that you wanted it to be. But Sayu misconstrued it and brought something else to the table, something unexpected and unprecedented and lovely." Her word choice startles both occupants of the room equally, and Near lifts his gaze to meet her own, at last. "If you think it's worth the risk, take it."

"Risk?" he asks softly. "But what about Mello?"

"Mello," Lidner reminds him shortly, "is dead."

"I understand that." Near looks aggrieved again. "And with that in mind, perhaps you understand where my... trepidation... stems from?"

"Near, are you a religious person?"

Near frowns faintly at that. "No."

"Then what are you worried about?"

"But... his memory..."

"Is that: a memory." Lidner shifts on the spot uncomfortably. She can't believe she's having a conversation about this, and with _Near_, of all people. She suddenly understands why he has decided to disclose this information with her, rather than any of the other members of the SPK. Nobody really looks for honest advice, Lidner knows; they simply look for the advice that is parallel to what they're already thinking. Near wants Lidner to agree with him, to dissuade him from taking further action. Lidner is another woman that loves Mello, after all; and therefore she's supposed to be on _his_ side, even in death. She is supposed to uphold his virtue, protect his image.

But Lidner doesn't actually feel this way at all. Near has misinterpreted her stance poorly, and is being subjected to the exact opposite of what he _really _wants to hear. What Mello would think is not the foremost concern in Lidner's mind anymore, because he's _gone_. What Lidner's more concerned about is about bringing Sayu into L's world, by allowing herself to become intimately involved with the successor who ultimately killed her brother. This, Lidner thinks, should be Near's primary concern. Not chasing ghosts.

"You don't have to worry about Mello would think," she tells him quietly. "Because he can't _think _anymore. You're not going to hurt his feelings, Near. You _can't_. And if anyone had the right to be uncomfortable regarding the arrangement, it should be Sayu. But she very clearly isn't, so I'd say that you have every reason to pursue a relationship with her, if that's what you want."

Near is shaking his head. "I had thought…" he says, in a voice not much more than a whisper, "...you initially disapproved because it was _Mello_."

"And maybe if you had been pursuing her for the sake of besting Mello in yet another way, I _would _have," Lidner says, and rests a hand on his shoulder. Usually she would refrain from doing such a thing, but it seems appropriate given the circumstances of the situation, and Near does not visibly shy away from it. "It's ironic that it should be this way, but not unacceptable. If you want my blessing, you have it. It's okay." She smiles reassuringly at him before adding, a little more seriously: "But you _are_ L, so be careful in what you disclose to her. She's not an idiot, and she comes from a lineage of great detectives, so I don't think it would take much for her to put two and two together. But I know you're no fool _either_" - Near smiles wanly - "so I think I'll just put my faith in you, and trust that you wont do something to compromise the integrity of your position."

She releases her hold on his shoulder, and takes a step back. "Does that help you out any?'

"Yes, it does," he admits, nodding once. "...Thank you."

She just smiles at him, shaking her head. "You're unbelievable, you know that?" But she doesn't mean it as a bad thing, and of course Near _understands._


	7. girl, you really got your hold on me

**A/N:** and i can't believe this took me 394793743 years to update. i'm sorry guys, i get distracted easily ;.; but i'm sure you'll all be happy to know we're almost finished! yaay. hope you've all enjoyed _Cupidity_ so far, and i'll see you next update!

--

_and if you come to me  
and if you touch my hand  
i might just slip away  
i might just disappear_

--

Near feels self-conscious in the jeans and the button up shirt Giovanni has insisted he wear for the occasion. The air is damp and heavy with rain, and the wooden steps leading up onto the Yagami's veranda is slick and wet, soaking the hems of his recently acquired pants. The albino stands slightly stooped in the doorway, feeling anxious and apprehensive as he waits for someone to answer the door.

It's Sayu who ends up greeting him from the other side, and Near feels a thrilling surge of excitement and dread at the sight of her lovely face peering at him keenly. For a moment a wide range of emotions flicker across her face, as though unsure what is the appropriate reaction to greet Near with. She finally settles on a 'slightly accusatory', and the fingers clutching Optimus Prime to his chest wobble threateningly, causing Near to almost drop it.

"Hi," Sayu says, sounding vaguely suspicious at Near's sudden appearance on her doorstep.

"Hi," Near says quietly. "I... I wanted to say sorry."  
Sayu looks as though she has a speech prepared for this, but apparently changes her mind at the last second. "Apology accepted," she says, and pauses. "I just wanted us to be on the same page, that's all."

She starts to close the door on his face, but Near's free hand suddenly lashes out in alarm to stop her.

"No, wait!"  
She's never seen him move so fast. The dark-haired girl looks slightly dumbfounded by the display, but she is no longer trying to put up a physical barrier between them. "What?" Sayu asks, and her tone is curious now, slightly surprised.

"You misunderstand me," Near says quietly, as his hand drops down to his side again. "We _are_ on the same page." When Sayu simply stares at him expectantly, he looks down at his feet, fidgeting uncomfortably. "I want to get to know you better, Sayu."

When he looks up Sayu still looks a little unsure, although her features have softened considerably. "I don't want there to be any strings attached," she says. "I don't want this to be about _Mello_." Near flinches at the name, takes a step back. "Those are my terms, and if you can agree to them, then you're welcome to come inside."

"I... what?"

"You're supposed to be a genius or something, aren't you?" Sayu asks mockingly, but her eyes are kind. "For some kind of child prodigy, you sure are slow on the uptake. Why don't you get out of this crappy weather?" She looks beyond him, regarding the gloomy sky with distaste. "It looks like it's going to rain." And she steps aside, providing room for Near to do exactly that. He slowly trods forward, coming into the brightly light, cheerful looking living room. Sayu shuts the door gently behind them and locks it before turning around to face him.

"I'd introduce you to my mom, but she's away right now," Sayu explains. "She's visiting my aunt in Osaka."

"Oh. It's fine." Near slips out of his shoes, revealing socks that are slightly damp underneath. He looks down at his feet as he wiggles his toes experimentally, as a way to avoid looking Sayu in the eyes. He can feel her watching the top of his snowy head critically, evaluating him.

"Are you thirsty? Do you want coffee or something? Tea?"

"No... I'm fine, thank you."

But Sayu wont take no for an answer; she ends up leading him to the kitchen, producing two cartons of ice cream and a bottle of milk from the refrigerator. "Chocolate or strawberry?" she demands suddenly, before dramatically turning away to rummage through a nearby cupboard.

"Um, strawberry," Near says slowly.

She pulls out a blender and plugs into the wall, before brandishing an ice cream scoop. She turns on the faucet behind her and leans against the countertop while she waits for the water to heat up.

"So," she says. Nobody speaks.

"Isn't it kind of cold for ice cream?" Near asks finally, when it becomes clear she doesn't really have anything to say.

"_Actually_," Sayu says, raising her index finger as though imparting some kind of divine wisdom. "I'm going to make us _milkshakes_ and the answer is no, there's no wrong weather for milkshakes. Milkshakes are... universal."

Near simply stares, and Sayu continues on, nonplused:

"So Near, tell me: what's your favorite kind of milkshake in the _whole wide world_."

Near continues to gape at the other girl, but eventually he decides to humor her. "Banana."

"Really?" There is steam rising off of the faucet in waves now, and so Sayu dips her scoop under the scalding water to warm it up. Then she wrenches open the carton of strawberry ice cream and starts transferring it from the container to the blender, wetting the scoop again at random intervals. "I'm rather partial to green tea, myself."

"I wasn't aware they made green tea shakes," Near says.

"You can turn any kind of ice cream into a _shake_," Sayu insists with a grin, shaking her head ruefully. Apparently satisfied, she drops the scoop into the sink and flips the faucet over, reaching for the bottle of milk in its stead. She pours a generous amount into the blender, puts the top back on, and flips a switch on. The blender roars to life, and for a moment no one can speak over the noise of the appliance.

"Go get me two glasses out of that cupboard behind you," Sayu instructs after it's over, and Near sets his Optimus Prime down before obediently handing over the cups. Sayu pops the top off and fills each of the glasses to the brim before dumping the rest of it into the sink. Then she puts the ice cream and the milk back in their respective places in the fridge.

"Take your milkshake, and let's go," Sayu says, waving him one handedly out of the room. Near obediently shuffles after her and into the hall, just in time to see Sayu already rounding the banister.

"Come on," Sayu says as she trots up the stairs, one hand covering the top of her glass to not lose any of her milkshake.

_Is this is what it's like to be a normal? _Near can't help but wonder as he slowly makes his way after her. _Do people our age really _do _these kinds of things? Stay in on rainy days, drink milkshakes..._ He is actually a little envious of Sayu for a moment; his whole life up until this point has been focused on either becoming L, or _being_ L. He has never once considered staying on a rainy day, not to work on the latest case, but to _relax_ with someone his own age and goof off. The only outings he had ever been on that weren't business-related (or in order to acquire another toy to keep his mind sharp, his hands occupied) have been with Sayu. He has never simply had _free_ time before now. It is a novel idea, and refreshing and awkward, all wrapped up in one.

There are three bedrooms upstairs, and one the farthest away from them has double-doors. Sayu's is the one at the top of the landing, side-by-side with the other room. Hers is messy, the floors covered in piles of clothes and the walls covered in posters; the one directly beside it is tidy, with a desk, bookshelf, and bed with a dark navy blue comforter. It looks like it might be a guest bedroom, but Near instinctively knows that it isn't.

Sensing his gaze, Sayu reaches out and seizes the handle of the door leading into Light's room and pulls it closed. She gives Near an apologetic look. "I'm sorry Near, my mom, she--"

_Why are you apologizing?_

"I understand," Near says, because he _does_. He recalls Mello's bedroom back at Wammy's, and how it remained untouched for many years, even long after the blonde had left. He is fairly certain that it is _still_ there, captivated in eternal statis--no one wants to touch it.

Sayu nods once, and shows him into her own room, immediately setting off to clear it of debri. "I'm sorry," she says again, as she scuttles about the room, picking up every last stray garment and shoving it into a hamper behind the door. "I wasn't expecting company."

"Here, you can sit on the bed if you want," Sayu says, smoothing out the vivid pink comforter before gesturing for Near to sit down. Near does, scooting back onto it so that his back is pressed against the wall that the edge of the bed is touching. Something feels uncomfortable underneath the seat of his pants, and he reaches in-between his legs to pull out a brilliant red thong with tiny white hearts on it. He blinks owlishly at it, before offering the garment to Sayu.

"Is this yours?"

Sayu shrieks in surprise at the sight of it, snatching it out from between Near's fingertips and slam-dunking it into her hamper before yanking the lid shut on top of it. Her face matches the color of the covers on her bed. "Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay." Near tries to smile reassuringly at her, and Sayu smiles too, although hers is considerably more wobbly than his own. She goes over to her window, where a boombox is perched upon the sill.

"You like music, right?" she asks, and Near's smile widens a little.

"Yes."

"You're British though, right?" Sayu asks as she fumbles through an enormous stack of CDs directly to the left where she's standing. "The orphanage was in Winchester."

"Correct."

"I have the Beatles," she says, frowning back over her shoulder at him. "But that's all. I'm only really familiar with Japanese pop stars, sorry."

"Anything would be fine," Near says dismissively, but Sayu ends up putting on the Beatles anyway. Then she grabs her milkshake and sits down on the bed beside him, Indian-style. She takes a drink from her milkshake, eyeing Optimus Prime beside Near over the rim of her glass.

"You like the Transformers?" she asks.

"...Yeah." Near reaches up, capturing a strand of ivory and twirling it between his fingertips. "Do you?"  
"My brother used to watch it, when he was little." Sayu smiles that same little wobbly smile again, but the subject of Light's childhood is evidently too painful to pursue further, and the two of them lapse into silence.

They end up listening to the Beatles CD twice through, drinking their milkshakes but adding little. Near doesn't mind. It isn't exactly a comfortable silence, but he likes that they are spending time together, so close to one another that their shoulders are almost touching. He likes Sayu - and maybe that's a dangerous thing, or a wrong thing, but if Lidner thinks it okay, and moreover, if _Sayu _thinks its okay, then it must be.

"Okay, if I have to listen to 'I am the Walrus' one more time, I'm going to puke," Sayu announces suddenly, as the music begins to start up anew. "Let's listen to the radio for a while, okay?" Near simply nods, and Sayu presses the FM button.

"--And there have been fourteen more deaths announced today, all presumably to be the work of Kira's," filters in the DJ's voice, and Sayu frowns. Near feels annoyed at the insistence of referring to this new killer as Kira again, but then he sees the expression that Sayu is wearing, and he forgets what he was irritated about. She looks so impossibly _sad_ suddenly, so small and weary and tired. It pulls at something within Near, and the albino boy clears his throat.

"Sayu."

She turns, and Near leans forward, his hand reaching out to take her by the shoulder in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. She glances down at where their bodies meet, and when looks back up Near again, he very gently kisses her on the mouth.

"Don't be sad, Sayu," he murmurs.


	8. do you remember me, walk into my mystery

**A/N: **unfortunately, this will probably be my last update until December, since i'm going to spend the next month preoccupied with my nano endeavor. still, i wanted to leave you with something before i go! hope everyone enjoys, and i welcome any comments, criticism, suggestions, etc. see you in a month, and thank you all for reading!

--

Near likes the reaction he inspires in Sayu. The brunette's face goes faintly pinker than usual, and her pale, rose-colored lips part as her tongue darts out to moisten them unconsciously. Her dark eyelashes flutter, and the chocolate colored orbs they reveal are bright and alive and shining. He thinks everything about her is astonishingly lovely in that moment - even more-so than usual - and it's almost enough to make him to want to lean in again, capture the soft skin of her mouth with his own.

But instead he simply sits there, hands twisting the Transformer in his lap anxiously. Sayu is staring interestedly back at him in a manner not dissimilar to the way he had been regarding her only moments before - and the scrutiny of her gaze, the reversal of roles, suddenly makes Near uncomfortable. He tries desperately to avert his gaze but Sayu's hands suddenly reach out, taking him by the head and forcibly turning it so that he's facing her.

"Near." His eyes desperately try to look at anything but her, but they are so close now that her face takes up everything within his field of vision. Almost miserably, he finally makes eye contact. _What's going to happen now? Can I _do_ this? Kissing her was so foolish of me, but she looked so _sad_. I don't want her to be sad, but at the same time, I don't think I'm ready--_

"Thank you." Her breath is sweet and milky and warm up close. Near blinks.

"Y-you're welcome." Her hold on him loosens, and Near leans back. He suddenly feels the need to explain himself. "You just seemed so upset."

"Yeah." The smile seems a little more wistful, a little less certain. "I just wish someone would _do_ something."

"About the imposter?" Near asks quietly, and Sayu nods. Now it seems as though _she_ is the one who is suddenly afraid of meeting his gaze. She stares at the window and into the rain-slicked world beyond.

"Yeah."

"I'm sure there's an investigation going on," Near lies, and something in the older girl seems to snap.

"Then I wish someone would make a public statement or _something_," Sayu scowls, biting her lip. "I wish the police would at least publically acknowledge the threat! Instead they're just letting the rumor mill go crazy, coming up with all of this 'Second Coming' crap. As if taking innocent lives is a _good _thing. Don't we have laws against euthanasia? The world's police lack of response is practically a silent approval. As if they condone the behavior, like it's _okay_." One hand reaches blindly behind her, seizing a throw pillow by Near's foot and suddenly clutching it to her chest. "Where the hell is L?"

It's a good thing that Sayu's back is facing him; the inquiry is enough to make Near blink in surprise. The slight difference in expression he wears for a half-beat might be otherwise invisible to anyone else, but Sayu has already proved herself to be incredibly perceptive. "L?"

"Yeah_, L_," she spits. "Isn't dealing with supernatural killers sort of his, you know, _thing_?"

Near has to be careful here, for obvious reasons. He doesn't know why he suddenly feels the need to justify himself as L. The public has always been critical of the shadowy detective in the past, and yet Near has never wanted to address their contempt before now; has never felt the need go out of his way to make them understand. People were _idiots_, and he rarely saw eye-to-eye with the general consensus anyway. And yet...

_This girl is dangerous._

Near wonders if the original L ever found himself in such a precarious situation, convictions swayed by a pretty face. Near suddenly wants to tell her _everything_, but he knows he can't. Such a revelation could bring about disastrous consequences.

"I'm sure L has his reasons for not intervening before now," the current L says quietly.

"Near," Sayu says coldly. "The indifference to evil is the greatest evil of all. Even if he doesn't want to personally get involved, he should at least come out and say he doesn't condone these acts. Don't you get it? People are getting the wrong idea about this. It's like before, when the masses were convinced that murder was okay as long as it was only criminals. Now murder's going to be okay as long as it's old people. They're going to think it's alright because it keeps hospitals from getting overcrowded or it prevents Social Security from being drained or something, I don't know. What people still don't get is that murder is _murder_. They don't get it because no one is calling out this despicable person on their actions. The NPA's omission - L's omission - is practically a green light, a 'go ahead.' People are sheep, they are _idiots_, and they are only getting one perspective, because no authority figure is offering a difference in opinion! And the perspective they are getting here is WRONG!"

The pillow Sayu has been clutching for support suddenly goes streaking across the room, hitting a lamp on the table beside Near and sending it crashing to the floor. It hits the ground with a sound like a thunderclap, but neither of them jump. Near continues to watch her wearily; watches the chaotic mixture of emotions flicker across her face.

"Do you get what I'm saying, Near?" she demands angrily, and Near does not respond. "You don't have to necessarily agree, but can you at least see where I'm coming from?"  
Sayu doesn't know it, but her speech has at last convinced Near to take action.

--

"Japan. No - the entire world - to everyone watching this monitor. This is L."

--

"Sayu, maybe you should turn this off..." Sachiko says later, frowning at the form of her daughter sprawled out on the carpet before the television in the living room. "The news is always so morbid these days..."

"Shhh!" Sayu hushes loudly between clenched teeth. "L just came on. I want to watch!"

"The mass murders that are happening in Japan right now..." the Old English style L on the screen continues demurely, as Sachiko at last gives in and takes a seat on the couch. Sayu goes back to staring at the unmoving font on the plain white background before her, listening hard. The timbre is distorted, obviously scrambled through some kind of voice altering device, but it is also familiar to her somehow.

_I know this voice... _

_--_

"I am not involved in them in anyway."

Near pauses, flips over a card in the deck he has been shuffling, and smirks when the leering, maniacal grin of the Joker greets him. "Regardless, I still feel the need to address some things. For one, the current mass murderer is not Kira. If it was Kira I would fight, but since it isn't, I don't plan to get personally involved. However..."

--

"I have deduced all of Kira's killing methods. This criminal is probably using the same method to kill his victims."

Sayu steals a glance at her mother, and sees that the older woman looks relieved. She shakes her head silently, although her focus remained transfixed on the TV before them as L continues.

"I have no interest in this criminal. I don't get involved with cases I'm not interested in."

Sayu can make out the familiar British lilt behind the smooth, monotonous Japanese. Even with the distortion, the resemblance is undeniable. She can imagine him twisting his fingers around the silver coils of his hair, his expression as impassive and as unyielding as always.

"I think this is something that the Japanese Police should take care of internally. Still, 'I won't get involved' is not reason enough to hijack the airwaves. Therefore, allow me to personally say one thing to the criminal..."

_Near?_

--

"You abominable murderer."

_Sayu, I hope you're happy_, Near thinks. And the albino feels strangely at peace despite knowing that his cover has been blown.


	9. lead sails and a paper anchor

**A/N:** One more chapter, I think, and then we're done. The next one will be a doozy. This chapter is sorely lacking some SayuxNear, but there is Matsuda, and that's almost just as good :D Thank you, everyone, for being so patient with my lazy ass! I'll try not to take so long with the next one.

--

Miraculously, the murders stop.

Sayu had promised herself that she would never throw herself at Near's feet again, but suddenly it becomes paramount that she see him. She has no means of contacting him– prior to this, she has always relied on happenstance or Giovanni to get in touch. But there is no sign of an ivory-haired boy at the toyshop in the mall, no phone calls from a familiar middle-man.

It's been two weeks now with no avail. Sayu isn't sure if Near is done with her or he's simply waiting to make his move or _what_, but she can't take it anymore. It gives her a little twittering thrill to know that she made L – _L_ – move mountains on her behalf. She has never been so touched before in her life; she wants to thank him, take him out to dinner, do unspeakable things to him in order to express her gratitude.

_If only he would give me that opportunity_.

If Near wanted to sever ties neatly with her, he's doing a fine job. But on the off-chance that he's simply biding his time until he finds it appropriate to get in touch, he's driving her crazy. Either way, Sayu needs closure. And although she doesn't have any idea where he lives, has no phone number of his that she could simply dial up on the fly, she _does_ have something of an ace up her sleeve.

It's a Saturday morning when Sayu decides she can't take it anymore. The sky is still dark purple out, the sun not yet peeking over the hilltops. Sayu bolts upright in her bed, yanks her cell-phone free from the wall charger, hits 2 on her speed dial and shoves it up against her ear. It rings three times before a voice blearily inquires, "Hello?"

"Hi Matsuda-san," Sayu chirps cheerfully. "It's me."

--

Matsuda has to put some over-time at the office today, and so Sayu has to wait until six o' clock before he finally pulls into the drive-way. She has been jittery with anticipation all day, and she practically flies down the steps to greet him.

Matsuda reacts the usual way when she flings her arms around him – he stammers his hello, blushes, hunched over awkwardly while the smaller girl yanks him into an embrace.

"S-Sayu," he says, his chin forcibly pulled down against her shoulder. "You look nice."

Sayu wishes she could say the same for him. But Matsuda has always looked a little haggard to her since Light died. But then again, Matsuda had been close to Light – closer than Sayu had been, admittedly, at least in the later years of Light's life. And he had been there, too, in the end—so she can't blame him for the sleepless nights, the nightmares that he has when he finally _does _succumb to fatigue; after all, she has many of her own.

Sayu shakes those thoughts away – they connect her to another world, a place she doesn't want to be today. Right now her focus is Near, and she doesn't want to get derailed with the dreary thoughts of the past.

"Thanks, Matsuda-san," she says, grinning up at him as they break apart. She reaches out with one hand, curls her fingers into the dark-tresses of his bowl-cut. "I wish you'd grow your hair out long again," she says, almost wistfully.

"Y-you think I should?" Matsuda asks doubtfully, lifting his eyebrows at her.

"I think it'd be cute."

Matsuda is blushing again. It makes him look a little less withdrawn, and Sayu beams at him. For a moment Matsuda seems to mentally fumble with the idea, before he suddenly remembers his reason for being summoned here in the first place. "… So, Sayu, not that I don't mind spending time with you but… wasn't there something you wanted to talk to me about, something you didn't want to over the phone?"

"Aw, is the suspense killing you, Matsuda-san?" Sayu inquires coyly, and Matsuda shakes his head, stutters out a 'n-no.' To be perfectly honest, the suspense _is _killing her, but she doesn't want to discuss this out on the veranda, where her mother could potentially overhear.

"You wanna get some coffee? I'll buy."

"Sure, but I'm not going to let you _buy_," Matsuda scoffs, as chivalrous as always. "You sure it's okay with your mom?"

"Of course it is. My mom loves you, Matsuda-san."

He grins helplessly at her, rubs the back of his head before fishing for his car keys. It takes him a good forty-five seconds of fumbling in his pants to realize that they are tucked away in his coat pocket. Sayu giggles as he flushes and leads her to the car.

She's practically delirious with anticipation but it's also been a while since she's properly talked to Matsuda, and she doesn't want to simply _use_ him for information. Matsuda, after all, has always been there for her—her number one supporter, her second older brother, her best friend. Coffee—she owes him at least that much.

--

For a while they play catch-up—it's been a good month and a half since Sayu has last seen Matsuda, and so they dredge through the usual formalities. Sayu talks about her mom, talks about school—Matsuda talks about work, his new roommate he's gotten for the two-bedroom apartment he's renting in Tokyo. It's after they've exhausted every aspect of their lives that Sayu finally decides to drop the bomb.

"I know Near is L," she says, and Matsuda spews his coffee out all over the floral tablecloth. People in the café around them twist in their seats to watch as Matsuda fumbles for a napkin. In a way, this is what Sayu has hoped for, although perhaps in a less theatric manner--for recognition on Matsuda's behalf. According to Near, the Taskforce has worked alongside of the SPK for a time.

After he mops the mess up to the best of his ability, Matsuda lifts his gaze to Sayu, eyes as large as dinner plates. "How do you know about L? About _Near_?"

Sayu gives him a general overview of the situation. She leads him through their first encounter at the graveyard, through their two dinners and that last afternoon spent at her house when her mother was away, the subject of L and the new supernatural killer.

"So you just… figured it out?" Matsuda asks in awe, and Sayu nods.

"Once he made the announcement, I just knew. And then the murders just stopped, did you notice?" It's Matsuda's turn to nod – he did notice. "I just wanted to properly tell him thank you, you know? But I've been having a heck of a time getting in touch of him and well, I thought to myself, maybe Matsuda-san has connections…"

Matsuda looks apprehensive. "It's true that I have a means of getting in touch with him, but I've never, err, done it on my own… that's always been more of the Chief's thing…"

"Couldn't we just _go_ there or something? Sign in at the receptionist desk or something, make an appointment?"

Matsuda laughs awkwardly. "That's not exactly how it works, Sayu."

"Still," she presses eagerly. "I bet if he saw me, saw _you_, he'd grant us an audience…"

"I dunno, Sayu…" Matsuda admits slowly. "I know where he works, but I'm pretty sure it'd be a breach of security if I just showed you where it was…"

"Please?" Sayu pleads, leaning across the table to grasp Matsuda's hand. "Please, Matsuda-san?" Matsuda looks down at where her fingers curl fiercely around her own, and chews on her lower lip. The indecision on his part makes him look cute and boyish, but Sayu needs to move mountains again. After what seems like an eternity, he finally relents.

"Okay," he says with a sigh, and Sayu grows radiant with happiness. "But if I find out you're his weird stalker…" He drifts off, the threat remaining unsaid. Sayu makes a face.

"Do I really strike you as a stalker type?"

Matsuda looks at her barely contained glee and shakes his head. "Uhm, honestly?" and Sayu cuts him off before he can say anything else.

--

By happy coincidence, the coffee shop Matsuda had picked was not far from the SPK Headquarters. They hailed a cab, took it down a few blocks until they pulled up in front of a nondescript skyscraper, indistinguishable between the others that surrounded it. Sayu was so absorbed in staring at it that she forgot to duck her head as she got out of the cab, and nearly knocked herself out as a result.

"Watch your head!" Matsuda cries in alarm, seizing her by the shoulder and forcing her down and then pulling her up again, out of the car and into her arms. Sayu rubs her head absently, wincing.

"Wow, I got myself pretty good," she marvels, and Matsuda shakes his head, pushing her black locks back, examining the hairline for bruises. "Hey, quit it, you don't have to_ mother _me," Sayu says, gently reaching out and grabbing his arms before steering them away.

"Sorry. Force of habit," Matsuda mumbles, now flaming pink. "H-here, let's show you inside…" He pays the cab and leads the way to the entrance. It's a revolving glass door, and Matsuda and Sayu share a spot as they are whisked inside.

They evidently have excellent timing, because people are emerging from the elevator just as they come inside. It's a man and a woman, both dressed in dark, charcoal-colored suits. The woman is wearing nylon and heels, her outfit neat and pressed; her companion is a little less professional, his tie loose and his jacket unbuttoned. The woman stops in her tracks as she catches sight of Sayu and Matsuda in the entrance-way, and her companion, who appears to be significantly less observant, nearly barrels her over as a result.

"Uhm," Sayu says, as Matsuda's gaze flicks between the two nervously. "Hi."

"What can I do for you?" The woman asks, but its more formality than pleasantry. Matsuda practically wilts under her gaze, but Sayu refuses to allow herself be deterred.

"I'm here to see Near," Sayu says, and when she speaks the dark-haired man blinks in recognition.

"Sayu?"

She turns her attention to him, lifts her eyebrows in curiosity. "Have we met?"

"It's Stephen." When she frowns at him, he adds quickly, "Giovanni."

_Now_ she recognizes that familiar American lilt to the accent. Sayu grins sheepishly at him. "Oh. Oh! Sorry, I remember you now. We talked on the phone now. You're…"

"…Near's errand boy, yeah," Giovanni says, rolling his eyes. "Something like that. This is Halle Lidner," He says, gesturing to his blonde-haired, buxom companion beside her. She continues to gaze upon them critically, and does not exactly look pleased with their introductions.

"And this is Touta Matsuda," Sayu says, indicating the unusually silent Matsuda beside her.

"Oh, I know," Giovanni says, growing serious suddenly. "We've met."

Sayu glances sideways at Matsuda, who looks somber. Then she remembers the conversation that she had with Near, about how members of the SPK and Taskforce had been present when Light died. Could these two have also seen what had happened? Sayu suddenly feels herself bursting with inquiries, questions she can't bring herself to ask.

"So can either of you show me to Near?"

"Sure," Giovanni says casually, and the look Lidner gives him is mutinous. "Err, well, let me ring him up, make sure that it's okay, alright?"

"Sure."

"Excuse us a moment," Lidner says tersely, and Sayu and Matsuda nod silently, watching as the blonde practically drags Giovanni off to where the elevators are. She sees Lidner's mouth moving, but she can't make out the words she's saying. Giovanni smiles rakishly at her, shrugs, and Sayu catches him mouthing Near's name but can't distinguish the rest. He flips out his cell-phone, dials up a number and presses the speaker against his near. As he begins speaking again, Sayu finds herself blushing because although she can't_ see_ him, she knows that he's talking to Near, and it makes her heart flutter strangely.

Matsuda is giving her a weird look. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Sayu claims breathlessly, and the fact that Matsuda has noticed the effect Near has on her only causes her to become more flustered. She watches as Giovanni flips his phone shut and shoves it deep into his pants pockets, before the two of them come briskly forward.

"C'mon, Sayu, I'm going to show you up," Giovanni says, waving her forward. Matsuda starts to follow, but Giovanni shakes his head. "We ask that you stay down here, Mr. Matsuda. For security reasons, of course."

Matsuda's brow furrows, and Giovanni adds smoothly, "Lidner will accompany you to the cafeteria. Help yourself to anything while you wait."

Lidner looks about just as thrilled as Matsuda does at being left behind. "The cafeteria is over here," she says, jabbing her finger forcefully at a door to their left. Matsuda glumly tails at her as she marches over to it, swipes her keycard, and disappears into the room beyond. Matsuda glances over his shoulder back at Sayu, looking a little uncertain, before following her.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine!" Sayu calls after him before the door swings shut and deftly locks itself. She pivots on the spot afterwards, looks up at Giovanni. Boy, but he sure is a lot_ taller_ than Near.

"Alright, follow me."

He leads her to the elevator, where he has to swipe his keycard just to be able to access the functions. He presses the button for the 23rd floor after the doors silently slide shut, and the elevator immediately begins its ascension.

"Boy, security sure is tight here, isn't it? You need clearance for everything."

"It has to be," Giovanni says. "Since you're here, I can assume you've put together all the pieces."

"Yeah. Near is L, right?" Sayu says, and the slightly unnerved look Giovanni wears is as good as an answer as any. A bell chimes as they reach their destination, and Giovanni gestures for her to make her leave. She glances curiously back at him as the doors swish open, and he grins.

"This is as far as I go. I'm gonna go have a cup of coffee with Lidner," He points down the hall to a pair of French doors. There's a keypad beside it, and a slot for Giovanni's card, but the light is flashing green already. "You won't need to enter anything. Just let yourself in through those two doors right there."

"Okay," Sayu says, feeling a mixed surge of discomfort and gratitude at being allowed to proceed alone. She's grateful for the privacy, but she's a little nervous, too. "Thanks, Giovanni."

"No, thank you, Sayu," Giovanni insists, and when Sayu looks confuses, he shrugs. "Really. For helping Near have a social life. God knows it has to suck being L _all _the time."

Sayu nods, but isn't allowed to say anymore; it's in that moment that the elevator doors slide shut, and Giovanni is gone. Sayu does an about-face, walks over to the double doors, takes each handle in either hand, and pauses. She steels herself for what's coming next, takes a deep breath, opens them and crosses over into the world beyond.


	10. what is love anyway?

Near turns to face her as her footsteps approach. Even when he's standing, his shoulders are hunched, his posture stooped, trying to make himself even more impossibly compact than he already is. There is a kind of subtle electricity in the air between them, akin to the static feeling one experiences when the TV is on but the cable box is not, when the dead air warping the space of an otherwise empty room. It is a vaguely haunting sensation, and yet at the same time, it feels like coming home.

She's all over the screens behind him, invisible cameras trained on her from every feasible angle. She could be unnerved by such a display, but she isn't. She only has eyes for him, for Near. The ivory-haired young man is standing awkwardly before her, his pallid features looking even more withdrawn than usual, his clothes just that more rumpled. Even his guarded expression, usually so listless and familiar, has altered somehow - she can detect a kind of nervousness behind those glassy dark orbs, a kind of frightened trepidation that she has never noticed before.

She's breathless at the sight of him, and one hand blindly reaches out, grasps the edges of the doorframe in order to stable herself. Near's eyes sweep over her form, taking in every facet of her body, lingering on strange places like her hands, or the hollow of her throat, and never quite meeting her eyes. As the silence threatens to become stifling, suffocating, he finally parts those pale, pink-colored lips, licks them once, and speaks.

"I suppose an explanation is in order."

It's like coming out of a thousand year sleep, and Sayu finally bridges the gap between them. She watches his eyes grow slightly wide at her approach, watches the jarring effort of his Adam's apple as the muscles beneath his shirt tense up before she wraps her arms around him. She marvels at the softness of his hair, the unblemished loveliness of his alabaster skin. She's slightly taken aback by the scent of freshly laundered linen that swathes his entity, despite the state of his clothes. Eventually his body will relax beneath her embrace, the seams of his tension unraveling around them. He's missed her as much as she's missed him, she realizes.

"You don't need to say anything," she assures him quietly, breaking away so that she's now holding him at arms' reach.

"Considering your lineage, I suppose it would be insulting to think that you couldn't fill in the blanks on your own," Near responds, his voice even more quiet than her own. "But Sayu, I--" His gaze immediately drops to the floor and Sayu shakes her head, raising both hands suddenly and placing them on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her.

"Near," she says again, smiling ruefully down upon him. "I told you, you don't need to explain."

"But I _want_ to," he insists before squirming free from her grasp on him. Sayu lifts her eyebrows, surprised, and he frowns. "Maybe not everything," he admits slowly after a moment. "Maybe some things we can get to... in time. But Sayu, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, that you were right about a lot of things and I'm sorry I didn't take you more seriously at first, that I didn't invest myself fully in getting to know you. You were obviously putting your all in something and I... I wasn't. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry I got myself all wrapped up in the past. I'm sorry that I let something like dead friends get between us." He turns around for a moment, picks up something off of the control panel behind him and holds it up delicately between his thumb and forefinger for her to see. It's a picture of Mello, looking so young and wholesome and happy that she almost doesn't recogonize him. Near flips it over, exposing the 'Dear Mello' written in cursive on the back.

"Mello should strengthen our bond; it shouldn't come between us." He holds it before him, seems to study the enigmatic smile the blonde wears in the picture critically. "At first I thought you might want this, might _need_ it. But then when it became clear to me that you didn't, that you had moved on, I thought about giving it to Lidner. But she, too, seems perfectly content where she is, seems to have transcended past the past the point of mourning. And then I realized, maybe _I_ was the person who needed this most of all." He swallows, tucks the picture down into his left front pocket.

Before him, Sayu nods mutely and waits patiently for him to continue.

"I'm new at this... new at the whole dating thing, new at having _friends_. I was really scared at first... well, I'm still really scared, to be perfectly honest." She watches as the toes beneath the wooly socks begin to curl, turning anxiously in toward one another as his knees follow, and now he's standing bowlegged, looking uncomfortable. "But now I'd really like to... what I mean to say... is that I..." He goes pink in the face as the words, at last, fail him completely. Then he falls silent.

It doesn't matter. Because he _is_ right: she is more than capable of filling in the blanks for him. She is a Yagami, after all.

She pulls him against her, guides his own hands around her waist. "I love you, L," she murmurs into the silver nest of his hair, breathing him in. She can feel his burning face pressed against her clavicle.

"Is... is it always going to be like this?" Near asks weakly.

"Like what?"

"Am I always going to feel... awkward and gangly and stupid around you? Am I always going to blush, to be unable to express myself coherently?"

"Maybe," Sayu whispers impishly. "Hopefully."

--

**A/N: **aaah originally there was going to be a lot more to this but frankly, Near is so hard to characterize that I thought this was the way to do it, short but sweet. Of course there are a lot of unanswered questions, but Sayu and Near have the rest of their existence to work out the kinks in their relationship ON THEIR OWN TIME. Plus keem has writer's block like you wouldn't believe and I was seriously afraid there for a while that I would abandon all fanfiction outright. xD

Thank you to everyone fav'd, alert'd, reviewed, and the rest of you who simply lurked and read, cuz I know you're out there too. I got a lot of positive response and encouragement and I'm so glad you all enjoyed. I don't know if I'll ever do another NearxSayu again, but I might do some more Near-centric things at the very least, and certainly more of "Sayu Yagami does everybody". Next I'm shacking her up with MATT xD


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